The Jolly Auctioneer
(By A. C. Bronson April 1901)
I know a jolly Auctioneer,
His face is like the sun,
His tongue is tipped with silver,
In the middle it is hung.
It runs by electricity,
And if you'd court felicity,
Just you engage his services,
And learn how it is done.
I know about the Auction sale,
It may be a success,
Or just the opposite,
And then you're in distress.
When property is sold near naught,
or maybe not at all,
You wish you hadn't made the sale,
But waited until fall.
Now here are several pointers:
First engage a gifted man.
The "gift of gab" a talent is,
Deny it if you can.
The weather you can't make or mend,
But if it's cold and wet,
Refresh your crowd with coffee hot,
And clear and strong, you bet.
And pass around the doughnuts,
Some sandwiches and such,
A piece of juicy mince pie,
Will add the final touch.
For there's magic in a piece of pie,
And nerve in coffee strong,
So if you follow my advice,
You're sure to get along.
Now don't neglect the primal point,
The jolly Auctioneer,
His name is Bronson, and he lives
At Hudson, do you hear?
At Hudson, Michigan, he's found;
And I want you all to know,
"You miss it if you miss it,"
And now good day, I'll go.
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An Auctioneer
(Auctioneer G.W. Largent April 1901)
An Auctioneer is the greatest man
The World has ever known,
And he feels as big as any king
That sits upon a throne.
His tongue is very quick and loose
His heart is gay and light,
And he can talk a perfect streak
From early morn till night.
You can bet your boots he's brainy
And awful cute and witty,
And when upon the Auction block
The biggest man in the city.
You can talk about your selling
High cattle, hogs and stuff,
For forty times what they were worth
He'd swear it wasn't enough.
And Kansas has all kinds of them
From a clipper to a drone,
And they can tell the biggest yarns,
The yarns that are full grown.
And the most of them are jealous
As the bantams of the field,
And they're so determined for you to win
They'll never, never yield.
Yet each and every one of them
Have surely got their troubles,
For the world is quick to criticize
If he makes a break or stumbles.
And pour life is not all sunshine
If you would only stop to consider,
That when we strike a bogus sale,
It provokes both Auctioneer and bidder.
But brothers let me tell you
What ere we say or do,
Let us to our word and Maker,
In everything be true.
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Wants To Be An Auctioneer
By Hiram Voss (May 1901)
I'm a young man just a startin',
And I don't know what to do,
I must choose an avocation,
And I thought I'd write to you.
I don't want to be a farmer,
and clerking doesn't pay,
So I've been sorter looking around
To find some other way.
I had a great big notion
To be an Auctioneer,
For I can talk from "way back,"
If I have some one to hear.
But I can't find an Auction school,
Or someone to teach
The art of Auctioneering,
So I spose its out o'reach.
I think if I could get a sale,
I'll take it anyway,
And just go on and make it,
as if I had one every day.
But no one dares to risk me,
And all freely confess,
They want to get an Auctioneer
Who'd already won success.
I guess the only chance for me
To ever make it win
Is to work with some old Auctioneer
And catch the trick from him.
There ain't no schools or colleges,
So the only one that knows,
Is the man who's played the game
Some time
Successfully, I s'pose.
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The Auctioneer
(By Col. B. M. Kirstein Bangor, Maine Dec. 1901)
"Debts must be paid," the mandate read,
And so, with many a tear,
Old Hiram Humphrey shook his head,
And tried his wife to cheer.
"Our home we'll sell at Auction, Sue,
Old Colonel Haynes will do the deed."
Ah, well it was that Hiram knew
The Colonel could aid him in time of need.
The day of the Auction now had come,
The Colonel mounts his Auction stand
And started the sale with a hustling hum,
Using the best language at his command.
The bidding drags, the Colonel speaks,
The throng is hushed to hear his words,
And earnestly the Colonel seeks
That his story may by all be heard.
The tale is told, the Colonel knows
How to give the facts in a case like this,
And the spirited bidding clearly shows
That the words he spoke had not gone amiss.
Sympathy beams on his noble face,
No happier man ever lived than he,
As he sees so well has he sold the place
That free from all debts will his client be.
Another day - another place -
Again we meet the Colonel suave,
A genial look on his rotund face,
And over his head does his banner wave.
For toys he's selling for all the boys,
So gay is his speech, so light his mien;
Loud laughter shows that the crowd enjoys
The Colonel's talk and his jokes so keen.
Ah, how much praise to him is due,
He shares our troubles and shares our joy;
He's a help to me and a help to you;
Our deepest respect he should enjoy.
Then let us remember, everyone,
To the Auctioneer to bear good will;
Than his profession, there is none,
That needs more honesty, tact and skill.
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The Two Auction Sales
(Published in the National Auctioneer Magazine
September 1, 1904)
Two brothers had been farming, and had cattle, sheep and mules,
Horses and farming implements, furniture and tools,
But as their notions differed, to avoid a serious clash,
They agreed to have and Auction sale, and then divide the cash.
"We'll get one dollars worth of bills," John unto Jake did say
"And Caleb Swipe will make the sale for five dollars a day."
"Oh, no," said Jacob, "not for me, we'll get old Col. Greer,
He charges more, but is, you know, a first-class Auctioneer."
And thus these brothers did dispute, and argue loud and long,
Each one a trying to make out, the other in the wrong,
But finally concluding all arguments would fail,
They the property divided, and each one had a sale.
John had the choice of the two lots, and an Auction sale was made,
With Caleb Swipe as Auctioneer, who was five dollars paid,
And fifteen hundred was the sum, it netted clean and clear,
And John was very highly pleased, with his Cheap Auctioneer.
Then Jake sent out one thousand bills, to people far and near,
And published in the papers 'twould be sold by Col. Greer,
Who made Jake's sale, and now take note of statement here that follows,
He got for Jacob's portion, just twenty-five hundred dollars.
And then John went and kicked himself, and called himself a "jay,"
To hire a "Cheap John" Auctioneer, for five dollars a day.
To save some forty dollars, he one thousand dollars lost,
So always get a first-class man, without regard to cost.
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